Fear

I wish I could say that we started homeschooling after much time spent in prayer, but the truth is...

we were scared.

We somehow managed to see four of our children graduate from public high school. 
My heart still aches. They did not thrive. 
Neither did we.

This second time around we took a plunge.
Homeschooling— 
and were swept away... 
Homeschooling changed us. 
We became smarter parents. 
Sounder people. Stronger Christians.

Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'cause I built my life around you, but time makes you bolder; children grow older. I'm getting older too.
—Stevie Nicks

Once upon a time, I was a public school student.

I wish I could say that I was a dream child, 
but the truth is...

I was a leader, student, friend, follower, slacker, traitor.

High school exposed me to differences and I learned to appreciate them. 
It was there I began to understand that we are all more the same 
than we are different.

It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end.
—Ernest Hemingway

I wish I could say that I always listen to God's voice; always follow his path, 
but the truth is...
I'm a mere atom. 
A fragment of God's vast creation.
Electrically charged
bouncing between negative and positive
seeking balance.
Marriage
childbirth
selfishness
divorce
death
forgiveness
love.
His footprints surround me. 
Always felt... but often invisible.

There is a time for everything and a season for everything under the heavens.
—Ecclesiastes 3:1

I wish I could say that homeschooling continues to satisfy our needs, 
but the truth is...
Our season is changing.

Our teenage daughter wants more.

Academia is enlightening. 
Stimulating.
However—
She wants friends, activities, a life unique to her. 
She's ready to learn about her world 
about relationships and figure out 
how to develop them
how to maintain them 
and sometimes... 
how to shed them. 
I remember myself at her age. 
All those times—both good and bad— I shared with my childhood friends.
These are factors that have affected my worldview.

I am what I am.—Popeye

I wish I could say that I'm the best teacher our girls could have, 
but the truth is...

I'm no Socrates. 
As their teacher, I study hard and prepare well.  
I know that struggling makes the learning all the sweeter and I so love the learning, the struggle, the teaching. 

Yet...
it's not about me. Unfortunately.
There have been many times that I haven't been able to fully explain or engage my daughter in the subject matter.
She wants to know, and we don't always find the answer.
We need a bigger village.

People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved.—Anne Sullivan

I wish I could say that our daughter is content to stay home, 
but the truth is...

Our daughter needs to fly.

And here's where the fear creeps in again. 
Will we lose her heart if we let her go? 
Will she succumb to temptations too hard to resist? 
Will she be strong enough to keep her faith in God? 
It's safer to keep her under our direct control than to loosen the reigns.

But when will she stretch her wings?
When will she know who she is unless she experiences some of what she is not?

It's time to let go of fear and grab on to trust.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.—Ralph Waldo Emerson

When August 2017 rolls around, 
we'll be seeing yet another child off to public high school.
This time we're sending a child who has a healthy home life. 
United parents. A solid educational foundation. A strong faith. 

I wish I could have said that when my firstborn was beginning 9th grade 
some 20 years ago.

I often wonder... 
Is there only one path 
only one way that I'm lead 
by His footprints? 
Do His steps ever
shift or veer 
leaving choices for me to discern 
each equally pleasing to Him?

No man should bring children into this world who is unwilling to persevere to the end in their nurture and education.—Plato

Her day will be changed. Varying lifestyles. 
Different values. Conflicting beliefs. 
Are those things to be feared?

We believe they're to be embraced. 
God created and cares for each of us.
He wants us to do the same. 
Nurturing. Respecting. Loving one another. 
Even those who are different.

Why not begin as a child?

Appreciate your uniqueness.
—Captain Kangaroo

Our children will only be home with us a few more short years. We want to help them navigate this sometimes puzzling world.
To have some space.
To explore what makes them tick.
To partake in trial and error.
To begin to create their own world views singular to their God-given personalities—
ones of purpose and commitment.

We're want to be the wall they cling to when they need a stronghold and the wall they push from when rested and ready to swim again.

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.—Anne Frank

We have one more child still hanging tightly to her wall. She's not ready to let go, yet. When that day comes (as we know it will) there will be no fear because through years of ups and downs, we have finally learned... 

The only thing to fear is fear itself.—FDR

Still—even after all this rambling—the feeling in my heart is bittersweet as I'm facing the end of officially homeschooling this child. I really have no idea what will happen over the next few years but... we will follow His lead.

Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading.
—Oswald Chambers

Melanie

P.S. As my wonderfully wise husband/friend/soulmate often says
—remember that today is not the end of the story. 😉

To be continued...

I share some thoughts about The Wall and other things on my new blog venture Threads of my Tapestry. Take a peek.